Living with Heart Failure: Myopericarditis

When I arrived at the new hospital, the nurses who attended to me hurriedly dressed themselves in a yellow gown.

I did not realize I was categorized as “in isolation” until my in-laws came to visit as they had to wear the exact same gown to enter my room.

They had done a whole bunch of bloodwork on me prior, but still I was needle pierced again that evening I arrived for more.

Until the results were out, I had to remain in isolation status as they did not know the answer; suspecting it was some sort of viral infection to my heart.

Questions were raised about my recent trip out of the country as well. However, the dates don’t quite seem to line up with the incubation period of viruses as I had been back for quite a while.

It was all just so confusing, and frustrating.

I was having chest pains but the fever had subsided. I had learnt to communicate with the medical staff using the universal pain indicator; it was a number from 1 – 10, with 1 being the least painful and 10 being the most.

I was coughing but it wasn’t because of a cold or flu, it was because of fluid (blood) in my lungs.

The nurse suggested if I would like to take pain killers for my chest pain, but in all honesty, it wasn’t very painful. At least, it wasn’t as bad as the body ache I felt when the fever initially surfaced.

So I declined, and actually got an earful from the nurse. She said they can’t help me if I don’t help them; as in I have to be honest and clear with what I was experiencing. If I need any help physically to move, I must call them.

I believe they spoke to my husband after when they called him, and he instructed them to just give me the painkiller medication.

The next morning, I was so happy to receive a proper breakfast meal. It wasn’t much, but at least there was scrambled eggs (and I was surprised coffee was served).

The nurse of the day checked in with me, and informed that I would be doing an angiogram as a conclusive test; reason being all my bloodwork for viral and bacterial infection came back negative. This was a test to confirm the conclusion that there’s no other problems occurring inside the heart.

At this point they were confirming the diagnosis of myopericarditis, based on the echocardiogram (ECG) results. The sac around my heart was inflamed and my bottom left ventricle had issues pumping efficiently; in fact, it was close to a complete failure.

The nurse wheeled in a small TV screen for me to watch a video of the angiogram procedure.

After watching it, I was scared. I didn’t expect this procedure to be quite invasive. The fact that I will be awake for it didn’t make me feel any better.

I was wishing my husband was there with me. I knew the kids have school and their routined sport activities, but I really did wish he would have dropped it all or even delay everything else to be with me that moment.

I felt as though, he didn’t think it was that serious. But even the emergency doctor who dealt with me initially was quite surprised my family wasn’t with me when I was admitted.

I actually drove myself to the hospital, which wasn’t a wise thing to do considering I had the chest pains, and was feeling a bit dizzy. Sometimes, I cannot help but wonder would it have been different with someone else.

Physically, even though I was in some pain and discomfort, I was managing okay with the care from the medical team. Mentally though, I was having a tough time; missing home, my children and feeling scared.

Many of the nurses, doctors and paramedics that I’ve met, were quite surprised to know of my story; seeing that I was having to deal with this medical situation but I am young, and had been healthy before this.

I’m surprised by it too. I question it every day, what did I do to deserve this suffering?

I tried exploring seeing this in a different light. Perhaps, it is a blessing in disguise? Perhaps, this situation has brought to light, at least to my family, to be appreciative of me, and all the things I have been doing for the family; now that everyone else has to take on a task that I cannot physically do for a while,

Perhaps, it is also a blessing for me, to remind myself how fragile life can be, and that I should appreciate this time to rest my body, and be grateful for the little treasures already in my life.

What is that saying again… until it happens to you, right?

Living with Heart Failure: I Did Not See it Coming

My days have been awkward.

I’ve been sleeping long hours. Crying at random times. Forgetting the time. Staring into blank spaces. and wondering what really happened to me.

A few weeks ago, I was faced with a serious medical condition, which surfaced unexpectedly, without warning and had placed me in an emergency situation where my life was at stake.

And to think, how normal my life was just a day before it all happened.

I never had any heart issues prior to this. My diet was healthy. I exercised regularly. I slept well, generally (you never sleep well once you become a mother).

Out of nowhere, a sudden fever came, and it was hard to keep it down with the fever medications.

My body ached so bad. I have a pretty high tolerance for pain but this was so different; it ached so bad that I literally cried about it as I explained to my husband how I felt.

It was almost like influenza symptoms but still odd as I had no runny nose, cough or sore throat.

On the third day, however, chest pain developed and a mild, dry cough started.

My energy levels felt odd as well, as I couldn’t walk up the stairs without panting and having short of breath.

I recall driving myself to emergency the morning I decided to seek medical help since there was chest pain. My husband had to send the children to a swim competition, and so I was by myself managing this.

I had been laying in the hospital bed for 8 hours, feeling famished as they only allowed me to munch on a few crackers.

I had been needle pierced at least four times with the same nurse apologizing each time she came back to take my blood.

Finally, I was informed I had to be flown down to Edmonton as soon as possible for further medical care. At this point, I still had not seen my husband and children, and was going to have to leave as soon as a medical plane is available.

There was something wrong with my heart, and they don’t know why.

I was so scared for my life.

Fortunately, my family arrived to see me in time before I was wheeled into the ambulance.

It was an interesting experience, to ride in an ambulance and on a medivac plane.

It was all like green fog to me; an out of world experience, especially when my vision was limited to what’s above me as I was strapped down to a portable bed the whole time.

I arrived at a different hospital, and there was a sense of urgency as the nurses prepared my room. I’m glad they finally gave me some proper food to eat at least, having been starved the whole day with only water and salt-free, digestive crackers.

I’m glad the paramedics, doctors and nurses had been amazingly supportive, but this was only the beginning…

to be continued…

Lost and Found

Wow, the last post was December 2021. I’m really getting terrible at keeping in touch with my readers!

Let’s take a quick look at major events that has happened in the past 3 years while I was absent from this blog:

2021: We were living in a pandemic world and adjusting to the new life coming out of it.

2022: My youngest kid started school full-time and I decided to stopped teaching piano to study music at the local college.

2023: The college decided to close the music program half way through my studies.

2024: Completed the music diploma with alternatives and compensation on my own while establishing a freelance career as an independent musician.

And I can’t believe my daughter is already 11 going on 12. Where did the time go? I felt like these past 3 years was a blur. There were parts I could remember and parts I did not want to remember. It was truly a tough time, and my mental health had suffered to the point where I needed professional help. I’m glad I was able to pull through and start my healing journey. Looking back at that period of time where I was in the dark, and had forgotten how happiness felt, I’m glad I was able to pull through. Having gone to therapy for 6 months, and rediscovering myself and what I needed to do to feel alive again; all of that saved me, which in turn saved my marriage.

I won’t lie; parenthood had drained me. Having moved frequently in my life, and being away from my parents for 20 years, I never felt like I belonged and got grounded to a home. Each time I moved, it was like a hard reset. I had to make new friends since we don’t have family close to us. The older you get, the harder it is to make friends. Not to mention, especially when you are the visible minority. Even though I get wiser each time, it was still emotionally not easy. After all, I’m still just a human being;

I’m a mother who needs a mental break and time away from family. I’m a daughter who needs to break free from beliefs that don’t serve me anymore. I’m a wife who still needs to feel desired and loved. I’m also a woman with dreams and hopes to become more than just a mother and wife.

Basically, I had lost my identity and plunged into depression over time. When I had my children, it was pure bliss. However, I won’t deny that it wasn’t (and still isn’t) easy parenting, especially without external help from other family members. The one thing we don’t often talk about is how life changes when you have children. As a mother, you pour everything into raising your child and you are also questioning if you are doing it right. You’re constantly comparing your actions to other moms who seem to have it figured out.

Mentally, I was constantly tired. Eventually, everything else became numb. The routines, the activities, conversations, parenting, etc. Yet, all is not lost. One day, as I was resting in bed, feeling completely burned out as usual, my young daughter came to me and said this,

“Mummy, you don’t play with us anymore.”

My heart immediately felt a painful sting. It was true, I had no desire to want to play with them anymore. I had no desire to do anything. I wasn’t happy like I used to, and the truth was no one bothered to help me fight it, or perhaps understood that I needed help. I’m grateful my daughter said those words to me because that was the tipping point of the scale in which I realized, I had to do something. For my children, at least. They still need me.

Fast forward to today, I have since gotten better with therapy, went back to study music, met many new friends, and most importantly felt like me again. I felt like I had a purpose to continue rediscovering life. Even though this was a great start to my healing journey, I was soon thrown into challenging situation where the music program closed half way through my diploma program. I felt devastated. I was so happy and clinging on to this sliver of hope for my happiness that I was at risk of crumbling into the dark hole again. Isn’t it funny how life throws a curveball at us this way?

Still, I fought hard through it. It was what I wanted, and I told myself I would see through it to the end. With the support of my amazing mentors and community members, I was able to negotiate with the college to complete the program with an alternative curriculum. It wasn’t easy, because I had to do everything myself but I gained far more knowledge and experience.

Now all of that is in the past. Here is the next challenging phase in our lives… we are moving again!

My husband and I were discussing last night, and we realized we have been moving (or at least I) every 1-4 years. Technically, this would be our longest stint having lived in this city for 7 years. We weren’t going to reveal the news that we were moving to the kids, at least not this soon as we wanted them to finish off a good school year.

However, my daughter is too smart. She saw through the loophole in my vague excuses. We had told the kids we had some “business” to do in the city we are moving to, which was house shopping but we didn’t reveal that. As we were getting ready to pack for our trip, she questioned us directly and asked if we were moving there. I was definitely not ready to deal with the emotional tears from both the kids (the brother feeds off the energy of the sister).

We weren’t going to bring them along to shop for houses, but in hindsight it was a good thing they found out. As we looked at houses and drove around the neighbourhood to see the schools that they were going to, they felt much better knowing everything is going to be okay. And there is lots to look forward to. I’m glad it was a positive trip as a family, and we had fun.

Well, I guess. Stay tuned for more writings of my parenting and life changes and maybe my adventures in trying to build a side hustle job as a musician. Thanks for staying in touch!

Frigid Days

Winter frost and trees – Northern Alberta, Canada

Here in Northern Alberta, we definitely see more wintery, cold days. This year, snowfall came early, at the beginning of November, and the frigid artic wind brought about -20C weather towards the end of the month. Too early for this! We normally see these kind of temperatures in January – February. It is also very common to have children in thick coats over their pretty Halloween costumes during trick-or-treating.

It is one of the big reasons why when summer comes around in July, we really take advantage of the sunshine. We bask in the sun, every day, as much as possible. TikTok videos commonly show Canadians wearing t-shirts and shorts as soon as the temperatures goes above -5C because it feels super warm to us when the average temperatures are below -15C for at least 7 months of the year.

It is already a white, winter wonderland for us, and Christmas is still 19 days away. It usually is very magical when it does snow on a quiet, tranquil, Christmas day. Getting young children ready for school is quite the process during cold days. If you’re a parent and understand that it takes them 5 minutes to put on socks, another 5 minutes to wash up, and maybe another 5 minutes to choose what color pants to wear, and finally another few minutes to have everyone clothed in winter gear – toques, mitts, snow pants, boots, etc … . Typically, I have to factor in an additional 15 minutes, sometimes 30 minutes (if they are much younger), to head out the door and reach our destination on time. Not to mention, road conditions can be unpredictable in the cold so it’s always an unpleasant alarm clock ring every weekday morning for me. I wonder how Minime feels about cold school days. Kids do adjust well, but who knows what they think of stressed-out mom and the hustle and bustle that goes on.

Cheers! – jjme

Hello! I’m Minime. I think the cold is amazing for snowball fights, snow fort building etc…when I go out to play in school it is sometimes very slippery! We get lots of snow falling at night but not in the day. Right now the snow is kind of hard, so when you fall it might hurt a little. There are many Christmas lights and decorations. I can’t wait for Christmas!

See you next time! – Minime

Rediscovered

Wow, I cannot believe how long I have NOT been back here. Motherhood surely ate up my free time to ponder and write. It was already hard with one kid, and now with two little monkeys in the house, and running my own home-based business … I definitely, truly, neglected this blog.

Although, it’s funny how life always brings me back to these “checkpoints”. This afternoon, I was at the computer typing relentlessly away at my work website, trying to publish a new blog post, when my 8-year-old daughter (yes, she is now 8!) came beside me and asked what I was doing. I explained to her I was writing a blog post, and then she asked what is a blog. The conversation then developed into an educational demonstration on what a blog, website, and web address is and then it went into an “aha!” moment.

“Did you know mom has a personal blog?”

Naturally, my hands just typed in the blog address, and there it was in full view for my daughter to see. I could not remember what I last wrote about, nor did I remember how it looked like. I used to enjoy picking out the themed designs and changing them every now and then. Then, I remembered I had wrote a pregnancy journal on this blog. When I started that journal, I had intended to capture every emotion, doubt, and event that occurs during the journey of carrying a life inside me for the very first time. Now, this baby is born. She can now read. And that was what she spent the next few minutes doing.

I left her to it as my son needed my attention. After 10 minutes or so, she came down excitedly, while calling out to me,

“Mommy, I LOVED reading your love letters to me!”

And she gave me the warmest hug. Sometimes, it seems no one is paying attention at all. I say to myself, at the end, it is all worth it.

A new chapter begins as I my daughter is excited to be co-author of this blog! What shall we write next? We are thinking of sharing our how life is like in Northern Alberta – child and mom perspective. This would be great for anyone interested in migrating to Canada and also travelers (if any, now that we live in Covid-world). I also need to catch up writing in the travel section; adding the many past adventures we’ve had. Please let us know in the comments – we’d love to hear from you!

Cheers,

jjme & minime

Fall Season in Obrien Provincial Park, Alberta, Canada