My four year old daughter is growing up fast. She sings to Katy Perry and Carly Rae Jepsen. She prances around silly, exploring funny fashionista poses. She bosses me around just like the way I do around the house. Yet in all that fast-paced growth, she reminds me of the beauty of her innocence in the life questions she asks me from time to time; the simple, lovely drawings she creates, depicting her perception of the vast world she lives in.
It really isn’t easy being a mother and a friend to her at the same time. I question why I get so frustrated with her at times, only to regret my actions later when I finally realize she is still a child. And we expect so much out of a child, but is it for her own good, or is it to meet my expectations of being a good mother? I get so caught up in all these that I feel so tired of my own life sometimes. It is so easy to just let them do what they wish, but that would not be raising a proper child. Yet it is so easy to shield them from this crazy, ugly world, but that would not be healthy for them too.
What is right and what is wrong has become a blur in my head. And it escalates further when I am surrounded by people who judge the way I raise my child. They criticize without even realizing they once did it too to their children. They judge without realizing I am doing the best I can. It is so easy to point out someone else’s mistakes, yet they don’t see their own right in fromt of their noses.
It hurts when someone says you pamper your children too much. It hurts when they say you don’t do enough as a mother. It gets to a point where I just want to throw the children to them and tell them, how about you take over my role for a month and see how that goes. Why is it that there are people who are willing to let their children be taken care of babysitters or other caregivers, when they are perfectly capable of taking care of the children themselves? I don’t really care what the world thinks of my parenting methods. But when it comes to your own kin, you would think they would know better to motivate instead of demotivate.
I’m not looking for praise. If one has nothing nice to say, don’t say it. A mother doesn’t need to hear it unless the child’s life is in danger, then intervention is necessary. Every family is different. And every generation has its culture. To compare apples to apples is not fair in this respect.
I have to learn to shut out noise. Why is it that a mother cannot cry and feel frustrated. Just because someone else can, is it so shameful and wrong for a mother to feel tired and upset? We are human too. So we have really bad days, and really good days too. What is so wrong with that?
And I have to tell myself, “There is nothing wrong with that even if the world, or your closest family thinks so. You can say anyhting you want about me to me, and it is not going to make me falter. You don’t know me, even if you think you do. Most importantly, you are not me. I never once asked for any pity. If you feel pity for me and get angry about it is your problem, do not lash it out at me.”
When the storm comes, it feels like the world is ending. I wait and wait for a glimmer of light. Sometimes I can wait for a long time. Sometimes I just want to jump off the building. For now, I can still see beauty even in a storm. Just like this drawing my daughter made today. I will stay strong, and always wait to see the beauty that lies within the storm.
Little Brown Bag 