Suffocating

I know I’m being selfish here. But I can’t help feeling suffocated lately. From the moment I wake up, my daughter is insisting to watch BabyTV. She has no care for breakfast while I wake up feeling guilty every morning for not preparing her nice meals. I get a moment of peace to wash up, get dressed, and check Facebook and all other things on my phone before I rejoin my daughter’s routine. Because I don’t want her to be an idiot-box addict, I tell her that it is enough and we proceed to play with her toys. At times, I feel lost. I don’t know what else to do with her. I have photographs to edit for my client. I have planning to do for my next portrait setup. My parents are busy working (we live with my parents currently). And my husband is on leave of absence, staying at home with us all day for a two months now. Then, if my daughter decides to nap, I get a one hour break to do my own thing, but it never seems to be enough. When she finally goes to bed at night, I am obliged to be the good daughter and spend some time with my parents. I am also obliged to be a good wife to give my husband the love and attention he needs. The day ends when we go to bed close to midnight.

So in a 24 hour timeframe, I literally only have one hour to myself every day. 

I feel suffocated at times. In some ways, I miss having my husband away at work. At times like this, the saying, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder,” truly speaks out to me. Now we don’t reconnect like we used to. I just feel like getting away from everyone at the end of the day. I don’t care what it is I have to do or not do, but I just want to be alone. 

Is this selfish? Can I be a little selfish for being a suffocating mother?

Advertisements

4 Comments

    1. But it’s never-ending, and unless I start to take a little time for myself I’ll burn out, and then where would we be? W sacrifice our lives for our children, but we need to retain a sense of self. It’s not selfish at all: it’s survival.

      Reply

  1. It’s actually very difficult and there’s no easy solution. I used to live with the in-laws, so I know what you mean about feeling pressure to be the dutiful child and dutiful partner when all you want is time and space to be yourself. I’m learning to eat humble pie at the moment and asking for help from relatives to babysit for an hour to give me the chance to recharge my batteries. It doesn’t feel good – I feel like I’m failing by asking for help – but if it gives me a little bit of peace to go back fresher, then it can only be a good thing. My other tactic – adding more hours into the day by sleeping less – isn’t recommended. Otherwise, I try to cram my interests into whatever space I have – talking books in the car or when I’m cooking, my favourite TV shows recorded to watch when I’m feeding her at 3am, my blog if she’s fallen asleep on me, guitar to try and soothe her if she’s grizzly. I’m not sure if any of this helps, but hang in there.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s