There’s just something about feeling the way I feel now in regards to being a stay at home mom. Perhaps, it is the immense time I have to think about life, that I start to question everything. Where I am at now. What I am doing. What I should be doing. My daughter is at an age where she wants my whole attention … and to her it is P-L-A-Y all the time. I get it, really, as a stay at home mom. However, at times I feel depressed. I feel like I have lost connection with my dreams, the world, and society. I’ve given up a promising engineering career, which I never liked because it had always stressed me out completely. I dived into an opportunity to open my own photography business, something which I really like to do but I’m starting to realize, it is hard to make a living out of if I’m only doing it part-time. I look at other successful working mothers and feel really small. How do they do it? Work and still have time to raise kids? The only difference between me and them is I chose not to put my daughter under a nanny’s care. Somehow, I don’t trust someone else with my child for long term. Heck, I don’t even trust my own mom sometimes, because our beliefs and ideals our very different. She thinks her way is still the right way because I grew up just fine. Although, I don’t agree.
They always say don’t compare. But it’s hard. We live in a society where it is 100% asian … there’s so much judgement in everything you do. From the way you dress, to the way you feed your baby. It is driving me nuts.
At the same time, I know I’m never getting back these years I’m spending with my daughter at home. We co-sleep, and she wakes up with her face in mine telling me to “WAKE UP MUMMY” She is adorable in every way, even though I can see the terrible two’s syndrome surfacing. Her vocabulary is expanding so quickly that I have to be really careful of my speech these days. She learns so fast, and I’m so proud of her.
But I do realize I need my time to myself. I always blame myself for not doing enough as a mother. There are moms who wholeheartedly prepare the healthiest meals for their children, while I tend to give my 21 month old Mcdonalds once in a while. There are moms who dedicate their whole time educating and playing with their child, while I find myself zoning out in boredom sometimes when at play with my daughter. But every once a while, I getaway for a day to run errands or figure out how to run my photography business … I come home refreshed. And I love that. I am just waiting for someone to tell me this is normal. It is okay to feel this way. So, is it really?