Always Misunderstood.

I have always felt … misunderstood. Even before I came to this foreign land, I was often misunderstood by my parents and friends. Although we hardly have heart-to-heart conversations, my sister is probably the closest one who understands my true self.

I used to believe in horoscopes quite a bit. As I grew older, I did recognize the fact that it could very well be a random description of my daily/weekly/monthly forecast. After all, it is printed in a magazine, let alone a newspaper which is distributed to millions of other readers … knowingly there are thousands of other Libran Wood Oxen people sharing the same horoscope reading.

I have been noticing the Chinese horoscope on Facebook, quite a bit (yes, and I am still aware that it is shared by millions of other Libran Wood Oxen). Then again, I started to ponder … the reason behind horoscopes or even life fortune readings. As a Buddhist-Taoist myself, I have seen my mother pray at the temple after which, she shakes those bamboo sticks in a wooden vase for a fortune reading. Well, this is purely by chance, right? Still, why do so many people do it even if they are not sure of its accuracy? When it comes to chance … is it a critical requirement that it needs to be scientifically proven? In science, there is a theory of natural selection in evolution. What more can we explain the chances of that happening … if it is … natural?

To say the very least, horoscopes or fortune readings are just a form of guidance. It may be shared by many others, but it is the interpretation specific to our own lives that matters. I never understood those Chinese fortune readings from the temples as they were always coded in poetry. But when translated, it is no different than any other horoscope. And it is a choice to believe it or not.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve realized that it has become a routine that I log into Facebook to read this particular horoscope. For some odd reason, it gives me a guideline to what I should be aware of. It is like a reminder to self to not indulge in my negative traits as a Libran Wood Oxen. I won’t say it is 100% accurate but because I chose to relate it to my daily work, my immediate past, present and future, it completes me. Perhaps, I am feeling lost in life. Honestly, I don’t even know where I am heading. But it all boils down to personality traits, and I do believe that the Chinese horoscope accurately describes general characteristics of a person born under that zodiac sign. I will try my best to justify this with the following (for my own satisfaction, haha) …

trait11.jpg

I have adapted these pictures from Facebook. Naturally, I have explained that I often feel misunderstood. At the same time, I do feel prejudice against certain people whom I think are up to no good in front of me. I do realize this trait of mine, whether it is a natural behaviour or not, I think it is due to my need to be wary of how other people take me as an acquaintance. Good or bad, I don’t know … but I’m not sure if I can be occasionally violent (unless the animal in me really jumps out?).

trait2.jpg

It is true that I have little tolerance with lazy or careless people. Heck, even when I become lazy or careless … I spend days mulling over it and blaming myself for being that way. I won’t deny the fact that I will get annoyed if someone isn’t putting 100% effort into an assigned task to the point where I will judge his/her every move with prejudice.

I always try to work things out by myself first. In reality, of course I will get the necessary guidance if I face a roadblock. But that is definitely a trait that I think Oxen people have … my dad is like that too. He does not want to seek other people’s help until the last resort … then again, could be due to guy ego or the fact that he is a Sagittarius

Recently, I have this need to want lots of friends. However, I want lots of friends who are sincere. Yeah, in reality … it doesn’t work that way. I guess it is due to peer pressure from other co-workers of the same level as me. It’s just that I’m living in a redneck town that people don’t find anything interesting about an Asian girl. I’m just in the process of trying to find some common-ground friends. That’s probably why I miss university life so much.

Obstinacy. Now that I think of it, a lot of decisions that I make are quite firm. I won’t change them unless faced with unforeseen circumstances. This is more applicable to big life choices … not minor ones … however, I am a Libran who is well known for being tragically indecisive. On the brighter side of things, this characteristic does allow me to think of all possible solutions and interventions for a fair and happy outcome.
trait3.jpg

I don’t know about being a potential leader, but when I was much younger I displayed that trait a lot in those long-ago childish games. I may be quite shy at times, but when the occasion calls for it, I will stand out to voice my thought.
trait4.jpg

It’s quite true. I would rather show it by cooking a good meal, making cute lovey handicraft items for him rather than expressing it through words or physical bonding. I mean I love to hug and be held in his arms but deep down, I feel more satisfied if I put all my love into my cooking or effort.

Change is something that I never like in love. Often, I find it difficult to let go (unless there is a point of no return). That’s my two cents worth on horoscopes and reality … because love fortunes can be vague sometimes. Just as chance is unexpected, love is like that too. Still, it is true that I like stability in a relationship to the point where I can give up my career to have a happy and loving family life.

trait5.jpg

As a child, I was very quiet. I went about doing my own thing, creating my own adventure, and I was indeed quite happy by myself. In a more recent adult phase, as a child I disliked having my life laid out for me, especially when I am at the point of building my career … learning to live life independently. I disliked the fact that I could just go home and live off my parents, even though they don’t mind doing that and just want my presence to be near them. Being persuaded to go home just for this reason, I got angry and upset many times. It all goes back to that misunderstood feeling … I haven’t forgotten my parents contribution to my education and upbringing. A part of me wants to work really hard to repay back their effort, not only in the form of $$$ … but also I want them to feel proud as a parent. After all, they were the ones who planned it all out for my future’s sake. There is an unforeseen future for me in Malaysia.

I love music and art. Nothing more can be said about that 🙂

“Oxen are not the most sociable people and tend not to mix easily in social gatherings.”

It may not apply to every Oxen, but it does to me. I wish he can understand that sometimes. Although I am trying my very best to be visible, I am still reserved with the fact that I dislike small talk. I want friends who are upfront, sincere, and not wearing any masks. It is sad that I am in the working world now that it is important to have these people skills. I wish he can understand that I do my very best in a work setting to be that way. But when I step out of that work circle … and when I meet people who I don’t like because of their characters … I don’t want to be involve in another hurtful relationship. I wish he can understand that I have gone through numerous complicated friendships in the past … and this is who I am. I do have that prejudice, but I am only trying to protect myself. I have tried hard to change this negative trait in me, but to what extent has it given me the benefit? I only feel more upset … for not having the freedom to be who I am. And really, at the end of the day … all I really care about is the strong bond between me and him, my close friends whom I have known for many years, and my family. That’s all I really need to be happy. Peer and work pressure has given me the insecurity to be more sociable and what not … but i just wish he could understand the simple fact that it does not make me happy doing it yet I will try my best in a work setting. All I need is a listening ear, who else is going to care about how I feel everyday after work? What I don’t need is more directions as to what I should do to solve the problem. In time, I will figure it out. And if I am really stuck, I will ask for advice. I know it is a bad trait of mine, to get all emotional when I’m being provoked to do something I don’t want to do. Sometimes, I don’t know what to do about it. These positive and negative traits are all one big intangible, messy relationship.

And there is really no simple resolution to reason petty characteristics (e.g. jealousy, mere dislike because of different interests, cultural differences) with an acquaintance. In reality, there are people who don’t care. There are people who are mean in their own ways. At work, in a professional environment … it is good to resolve personal conflicts by talking it out, but because it is work … everyone wants to start back at square one for their own benefit. Outside of work, they couldn’t care less and would just wear another mask in front of you. Also, it is undeniable that female relationships are the trickiest to deal with. I’m sure everyone will agree with me on this.

This is how I honestly feel, and also based from my personal experience.
trait6.jpg

Yes, I prefer to work alone. And I work best alone too. But I am flexible when it comes to team work. I can’t believe engineering is listed as one of the well-suited ox occupations. My first ambition was to become an interior designer. I just didn’t become one in the end. Although, I still have a tiny desire to be that. Otherwise, I’ll just switch to being a banker or a real estate agent, haha.

trait7.jpg

Workaholic. Yeap. It’s true.

I did not conclude all my behaviours based on the description in the horoscope. It is really the horoscope that described why I feel disappointed, upset, and misunderstood in life. It is really just who I am at heart. I can try to change and be totally different, gain career success that way or make lots of money … but to give up my simple need for just happiness and contentment … I imagine that I won’t be able to do so. In time, I would give up whoever that I am trying to be for the sake of luxury … to attain that simple happy life that I want.

I really am just one complicated female species. God, please help me. 

Advertisements

One Comment

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s