Blue makes me … blue …

It’s my first week into work. I am already feeling uncomfortable with my choice of career. The thing about me is that I never know what I want to do in life. All my decisions have been solely based on the impact it will have on people who I care. I do try to be strong. I have a character which is hard to define. Most people may think I am conservative in my ways, but my mind does have a different perspective of things sometimes. In reality, we make our own destiny. We write our own story. Still, there’s this tiny voice inside of me that cries every night when I go to bed. The screams were never heard. I’m lost.

At times, I find myself wandering in my past. I realize I’ve never actually accomplished anything meaningful in my life. Meaningful to me, at least. Yes, I did graduate from school or university, or achieve those annual new year resolutions … or even landed myself with a job here in Canada. But so what? Do I wake up every morning anticipating my day? Who is this girl within me? I still can’t seem to find an answer. I cannot figure out who or what the real “me” is. Everyone is unique, right? There’s pros and cons to having a strong personality but I think it’s the worse case to not have a clue about yourself. Hence, the confidence … the love-yourself-first rule doesn’t come easy. It’s trapped somewhere, even in the very words that I speak. I can tell you, I’m writing this without even having a sense of direction … (perhaps I’m just feeling blue).

Change. It’s always difficult, isn’t it? I know I’m having trouble coming to terms with it.

Yes, it’s been a rough week. I really feel like getting a pet cat now. So that I can meow with it everyday after work. And talk to it without being judged at all.

I just can’t relate much to my colleagues. Their jokes … thetopics of interest … and the fact that they have known each other for 10 years … What am I suppoze to do? Play the marriage card, have a baby and then let our kids mingle so that we have more silly baby habits to laugh about? Family?? I don’t have any family here. I’m all alone.

Sigh. I’m not frustrated with them. I’m just annoyed with the fact that I can’t be myself around them. I have to be someone I’m not to be “in” the circle … ? I really am putting effort into this. And I’m hoping another week of it should convince me that time will send my predicament flying out to space. Otherwise, I have to take the security guard’s advice to wait a year before even accepting my dislike for this work … career … or whatever.

I don’t have a car. Worse, a valid license because of ridiculous lengthy government procedures. That sucks.

I don’t have an office in which I can have my own space. That sucks even more.

I don’t have an interesting social life. It’s time to get married. (Just kidding).

It’s a wonder how I can put myself down so many times in a year.

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