Someday

What has been going on in my life?

Nothing else but my pathetic attempt to be someone significant at work. I don’t know if I regretted choosing this path. People say I put too high expectations on myself but somehow, I have come to realize that this current role is not suited for my personality and strengths. I am not saying that I dislike engineering. It may not be my passion but I do strive to learn. However, this role is too fast-paced for me. It’s true that multi-tasking is a good skill to have, but it exhausts me so bad that I just want to give up and not show up for work sometimes.

I like to take my time and organize things. I do find that I bring the best out of myself in situations like that. In fact, that’s why I am passionate about stuff like playing music, painting art, crafting scrapbooks, learning to dance, and teaching as well as creating delicious meals. It’s because I can take my time and work towards the final result. My ultimate goal is always to bring happiness to the people around me. That itself leaves me satisfied in life.

I don’t like false pretenses. I don’t like manipulation. And that is just who I am. I cannot handle the stress that comes with it because my heart will not be at peace. And this is the start of all my health problems … mentally, and physically. It is no wonder I can count with my fingers how many true friends I have. It is because people that I have come across so far have other intentions. One can say that I am over sensitive and too judgemental. Well, I don’t have all the time in the world to list down my experiences with people whom I thought could be trusted.

I think no one is really fully satisifed at work even though they may come across that way. The one thing these people have an advantage over me is that they can fake it. This makes my role even more of a burden. I have to do all these work to ensure everyone is at least a tad bit satisfied. Well, one can say that it’s the same concept as what I just mentioned above. But how can you share the happiness when you cannot relate to the job?

I’ve probably mentioned this before. I am working for a company whose ultimate goal in the end is to make a profit. It’s reality. That’s the business and that’s what makes the world go round. We get salaries. A Louis Vutton bag. A Porsche car. As much as I am drowned in the new age of materialism, I am just not that crazy about money.

Perhaps, I have never found the true meaning of happiness. I was brought up to study hard and get a good job. What is a good job. Something that can earn you millions? Something that can survive on? Where do you draw the line? Isn’t happiness part of life too?

I guess all I’m saying is, I am not the kind of person to define money = happiness. I like to be honest with my feelings. I am too honest in some situations. Too kind. Too nice. What is wrong with that? I am by nature a peace-maker; I never want to have any conflict.

And conflict is something that I face everyday at work.

I’m tearing as I write this. Don’t know why this makes me so upset everytime.