The Wedding Dress

This is my silly attempt at writing a story. Well, let me know what you think (hehe).

I feel far from dizzy today. The soft yellow sun rests lightly on my face as I pulled the blinds up. It is too wonderful of a day to be indoors. In ten minutes, Jamie will enter the room with the sweetest smile on her face. Honestly, I have never seen a single sulk or pout from her. She still pulls through with a positive attitude even in the busiest hours. In ten minutes, she will begin to pour all her rants or perhaps funny incidents from yesterday’s shift. In ten minutes, she will give me my last shot …

Today I will walk away with no beads of hope. I promised myself that I will not shed a tear. This very place has provided me with the least amount of comfort, but somehow it filled my world with awe. I have witness strength from mothers who have failed childbirth, glowing mischief from children who have bald heads and sunken eye-bags, and much unprecedented love from family members.

“Thank you,” I said to Jamie as she placed a band aid on my arm.

“Will you be alright?” she asked with slight tears welling up in her eyes.

“I’ll be just fine. And you will too.”

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. Mom entered the room with William. I could tell she was trying to hold back her tears. Her smile is so sincere yet insecure. Finally, the time has come for me to leave this place.

“Where’s dad?” I asked.

“He’s doing the paperwork. He’ll meet us at the front. Come along now, it’s a beautiful day outside. William suggested that we should head to the park.”

At the front entrance, I saw Dad walking towards us while searching for something in the pockets on his coat. He almost ran into an old lady on a wheelchair.

“Hi honey,” he hugged and kissed me on my forehead.

“Ready to go? Here, I got you your favourite candy.”

I nodded with a smile. Dad still smells of wine. He must have been drinking a lot lately, especially after the news broke out. He should not be driving us to the park. The sun blinded my eyes for a little while, but I was happy to see what was in front of me – Dad’s same old Honda Civic. There was a slight argument as to who should drive but in the end I told Dad that I wanted William to drive. It was a tricky situation. I could sense that everyone was tensed. So was I.

For a while now, I thought I had lost touch with this world. Everything that occurred within these two years revolved around those brightly-lit hallways and ridiculously high beds. It was almost foreign to me when I smelt the fishy water of the fountain in the park. Mom was holding my hand as we walked when suddenly she let out a small cry. Apparently, I had looked a little pale and this caused an unnecessary panic mode for everyone. Even though I was feeling a little tired, I explained politely that I just needed time to adjust to this new atmosphere. There was a moment of silence after that until Dad muttered something completely out of line. It was something about him having chicken for dinner yesterday which tasted like alligator meat. I thought it was random but funny, and so I laughed. After which, everyone followed suit.

“We should head back soon, you need to rest,” Mom said.

“I have had all the rest I needed these past two years. I want to walk around some more,” I uttered while trying to show I was not tired.

As we approached the government building, we saw a group of people getting ready for a photo shoot. What I saw froze me in my tracks. It was as though I had a sudden flashback, but only this time it was a reminder.

“What’s wrong? Is she someone you know from college?”

“Mom, I really want to wear a wedding dress.”

 

Three months had passed by. It is 8 o’clock at night but I am feeling unusually weak. I said good night to Mom and Dad, and brought a cup of warm chamomile tea up to the bedroom. As I sat on the bed, I turned to my bedside table to grab my diary. I held the pen and flipped to a blank page when suddenly I realized there was nothing left to write in my life. I took another glance at the photo that I kept at the back end of the book. I could not remember how long I was staring at that photo, but soon I felt that I needed to have a good night’s rest. I crept under the warm sheets, and placed my diary beside me as I dozed off into the night.

 

“All she wanted was a normal life. Why did God have to take this away from my angel?”

As my wife cried in sorrow, I held my daughter’s cold hand in mine and brought it to my lips to kiss it one last time. At the corner of my eye, I noticed a little pink book with a photo bookmarked inside of it. I took it from under the sheets, and opened it to the page that was bookmarked. There she was … beautiful and smiling so sweetly in the photo with William hugging her from behind. But her eyes were telling me a different story. Her eyes showed pain and sadness. And just as I was about to close the book and put everything out o f my sight … I saw the words.

“Thank you … Mom … Dad … for letting me wear this wedding dress. I am sorry for not being able to fulfill your wish to see me through my happier days. Dad, I’m sorry I couldn’t wait till the day I can walk down the aisle with you. I love you both … very much.”

Always Misunderstood.

I have always felt … misunderstood. Even before I came to this foreign land, I was often misunderstood by my parents and friends. Although we hardly have heart-to-heart conversations, my sister is probably the closest one who understands my true self.

I used to believe in horoscopes quite a bit. As I grew older, I did recognize the fact that it could very well be a random description of my daily/weekly/monthly forecast. After all, it is printed in a magazine, let alone a newspaper which is distributed to millions of other readers … knowingly there are thousands of other Libran Wood Oxen people sharing the same horoscope reading.

I have been noticing the Chinese horoscope on Facebook, quite a bit (yes, and I am still aware that it is shared by millions of other Libran Wood Oxen). Then again, I started to ponder … the reason behind horoscopes or even life fortune readings. As a Buddhist-Taoist myself, I have seen my mother pray at the temple after which, she shakes those bamboo sticks in a wooden vase for a fortune reading. Well, this is purely by chance, right? Still, why do so many people do it even if they are not sure of its accuracy? When it comes to chance … is it a critical requirement that it needs to be scientifically proven? In science, there is a theory of natural selection in evolution. What more can we explain the chances of that happening … if it is … natural?

To say the very least, horoscopes or fortune readings are just a form of guidance. It may be shared by many others, but it is the interpretation specific to our own lives that matters. I never understood those Chinese fortune readings from the temples as they were always coded in poetry. But when translated, it is no different than any other horoscope. And it is a choice to believe it or not.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve realized that it has become a routine that I log into Facebook to read this particular horoscope. For some odd reason, it gives me a guideline to what I should be aware of. It is like a reminder to self to not indulge in my negative traits as a Libran Wood Oxen. I won’t say it is 100% accurate but because I chose to relate it to my daily work, my immediate past, present and future, it completes me. Perhaps, I am feeling lost in life. Honestly, I don’t even know where I am heading. But it all boils down to personality traits, and I do believe that the Chinese horoscope accurately describes general characteristics of a person born under that zodiac sign. I will try my best to justify this with the following (for my own satisfaction, haha) …

I have adapted these pictures from Facebook. Naturally, I have explained that I often feel misunderstood. At the same time, I do feel prejudice against certain people whom I think are up to no good in front of me. I do realize this trait of mine, whether it is a natural behaviour or not, I think it is due to my need to be wary of how other people take me as an acquaintance. Good or bad, I don’t know … but I’m not sure if I can be occasionally violent (unless the animal in me really jumps out?).

It is true that I have little tolerance with lazy or careless people. Heck, even when I become lazy or careless … I spend days mulling over it and blaming myself for being that way. I won’t deny the fact that I will get annoyed if someone isn’t putting 100% effort into an assigned task to the point where I will judge his/her every move with prejudice.

I always try to work things out by myself first. In reality, of course I will get the necessary guidance if I face a roadblock. But that is definitely a trait that I think Oxen people have … my dad is like that too. He does not want to seek other people’s help until the last resort … then again, could be due to guy ego or the fact that he is a Sagittarius …

Recently, I have this need to want lots of friends. However, I want lots of friends who are sincere. Yeah, in reality … it doesn’t work that way. I guess it is due to peer pressure from other co-workers of the same level as me. It’s just that I’m living in a redneck town that people don’t find anything interesting about an Asian girl. I’m just in the process of trying to find some common-ground friends. That’s probably why I miss university life so much.

Obstinacy. Now that I think of it, a lot of decisions that I make are quite firm. I won’t change them unless faced with unforeseen circumstances. This is more applicable to big life choices … not minor ones … however, I am a Libran who is well known for being tragically indecisive. On the brighter side of things, this characteristic does allow me to think of all possible solutions and interventions for a fair and happy outcome.

I don’t know about being a potential leader, but when I was much younger I displayed that trait a lot in those long-ago childish games. I may be quite shy at times, but when the occasion calls for it, I will stand out to voice my thought.

It’s quite true. I would rather show it by cooking a good meal, making cute lovey handicraft items for him rather than expressing it through words or physical bonding. I mean I love to hug and be held in his arms but deep down, I feel more satisfied if I put all my love into my cooking or effort.

Change is something that I never like in love. Often, I find it difficult to let go (unless there is a point of no return). That’s my two cents worth on horoscopes and reality … because love fortunes can be vague sometimes. Just as chance is unexpected, love is like that too. Still, it is true that I like stability in a relationship to the point where I can give up my career to have a happy and loving family life.

As a child, I was very quiet. I went about doing my own thing, creating my own adventure, and I was indeed quite happy by myself. In a more recent adult phase, as a child I disliked having my life laid out for me, especially when I am at the point of building my career … learning to live life independently. I disliked the fact that I could just go home and live off my parents, even though they don’t mind doing that and just want my presence to be near them. Being persuaded to go home just for this reason, I got angry and upset many times. It all goes back to that misunderstood feeling … I haven’t forgotten my parents contribution to my education and upbringing. A part of me wants to work really hard to repay back their effort, not only in the form of $$$ … but also I want them to feel proud as a parent. After all, they were the ones who planned it all out for my future’s sake. There is an unforeseen future for me in Malaysia.

I love music and art. Nothing more can be said about that

“Oxen are not the most sociable people and tend not to mix easily in social gatherings.”

It may not apply to every Oxen, but it does to me. I wish he can understand that sometimes. Although I am trying my very best to be visible, I am still reserved with the fact that I dislike small talk. I want friends who are upfront, sincere, and not wearing any masks. It is sad that I am in the working world now that it is important to have these people skills. I wish he can understand that I do my very best in a work setting to be that way. But when I step out of that work circle … and when I meet people who I don’t like because of their characters … I don’t want to be involve in another hurtful relationship. I wish he can understand that I have gone through numerous complicated friendships in the past … and this is who I am. I do have that prejudice, but I am only trying to protect myself. I have tried hard to change this negative trait in me, but to what extent has it given me the benefit? I only feel more upset … for not having the freedom to be who I am. And really, at the end of the day … all I really care about is the strong bond between me and him, my close friends whom I have known for many years, and my family. That’s all I really need to be happy. Peer and work pressure has given me the insecurity to be more sociable and what not … but i just wish he could understand the simple fact that it does not make me happy doing it yet I will try my best in a work setting. All I need is a listening ear, who else is going to care about how I feel everyday after work? What I don’t need is more directions as to what I should do to solve the problem. In time, I will figure it out. And if I am really stuck, I will ask for advice. I know it is a bad trait of mine, to get all emotional when I’m being provoked to do something I don’t want to do. Sometimes, I don’t know what to do about it. These positive and negative traits are all one big intangible, messy relationship.

And there is really no simple resolution to reason petty characteristics (e.g. jealousy, mere dislike because of different interests, cultural differences) with an acquaintance. In reality, there are people who don’t care. There are people who are mean in their own ways. At work, in a professional environment … it is good to resolve personal conflicts by talking it out, but because it is work … everyone wants to start back at square one for their own benefit. Outside of work, they couldn’t care less and would just wear another mask in front of you. Also, it is undeniable that female relationships are the trickiest to deal with. I’m sure everyone will agree with me on this.

This is how I honestly feel, and also based from my personal experience.

Yes, I prefer to work alone. And I work best alone too. But I am flexible when it comes to team work. I can’t believe engineering is listed as one of the well-suited ox occupations. My first ambition was to become an interior designer. I just didn’t become one in the end. Although, I still have a tiny desire to be that. Otherwise, I’ll just switch to being a banker or a real estate agent, haha.

Workaholic. Yeap. It’s true.

I did not conclude all my behaviours based on the description in the horoscope. It is really the horoscope that described why I feel disappointed, upset, and misunderstood in life. It is really just who I am at heart. I can try to change and be totally different, gain career success that way or make lots of money … but to give up my simple need for just happiness and contentment … I imagine that I won’t be able to do so. In time, I would give up whoever that I am trying to be for the sake of luxury … to attain that simple happy life that I want.

I really am just one complicated female species. God, please help me. 

Lazy

I’m feeling lazy again on a Friday and because it is the long weekend ahead … I can’t help but think of off-work hours.

It’s bad, I know. Sometimes I like my job. Sometimes I don’t. At some times, I don’t care if the heat exchanger is going to foul and what not … (but this is only when I’ve hit my lowest point). I have been boggled with extra work though. A colleague of mine recently had a baby girl, and so I had to take over his responsibilities for about two weeks. In a way, it was good because I get to be the contact engineer for a while and gain learning experience. However, I’m a little worried now with my projects as I don’t have much time until my next rotation starts. I do want to complete them to some measurable extent.

I had fun yesterday in the control room. I love Team 5, they are an easy-going bunch … although they tease me a lot but at least, I feel welcomed there. All these years, I’ve encountered lots of people having trouble pronouncing my name. However, I made an interesting discovery yesterday as to the an operator’s effort in remembering my name. He says the first part of my name sounds like a shoe. The other part is like the name “Ann”. Not too long after he proudly explained his method, he conjured up another bright idea to give me the title “Bootann”.

Get it?

Shoe …

Boot … (they always have safety boots on at work)

Funny. They’re a nice bunch. Another operator chose to call me Shania. I don’t know how that has any similarties to my chinese name . It is definitely not because of resemblance of looks, I can tell you that much. 

I’m trying to drive on my own now into e-town. Just like they say, it is a totally different environment in a big city. People are more impatient … abundant cars appearing out of nowhere … traffic congestion … more pedestrians on the road (I don’t want to hit anyone!). Either way, whether or not I get into an accident or somewhat … I need to learn how to drive in these conditions sooner or later!! I can have Jackie or my parents worrying about me but I can’t have them guiding me all the time …

It’s 11.30. I’m leaving work now, tee-hee. Half-day lerrrr!

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! (Don’t gobble up too much turkey)